Rosario Dawson in a bikini holding a garden hose. I can't think of a better summertime memory. It kind of reminds me of that sweltering August when I opened a "Lemonade and Lap Dance" stand. I was doing pretty well until the cops shut me down. To this day I still believe my mom tipped them off after dad came home smelling like Country Time and skeez. Too bad they couldn't arrest an eight-year-old. But they could send me to military school after giving my Nintendo to orphans while I cried in the back seat of the station wagon. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, Rosario Dawson is awkwardly hot.

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn't a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians. At any rate, let's start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe's not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it's anyone's guess really. EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe's legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You're a freakin' knight. UPDATE: Khloe's out! Time served: 173 minutes, according to TMZ, which means she's almost exactly 50% less popular than Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan while still 50% taller than most women, Sasquatches and NBA guards.

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn't a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians. At any rate, let's start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe's not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it's anyone's guess really. EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe's legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You're a freakin' knight. UPDATE: Khloe's out! Time served: 173 minutes, according to TMZ, which means she's almost exactly 50% less popular than Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan while still 50% taller than most women, Sasquatches and NBA guards.

Lindsay Lohan attended the Sephora 10 Years of Gorgeous event last night to watch her girlfriend Samantha Ronson deejay. Anybody else starting to get really creeped out by this relationship? It almost seems like Samantha is a gargoyle that hangs on Lindsay and wards of predators with her fangs and leathery wings. And by predators I mean anyone with a penis. KA-KAW! KA-KAW! Wait, bat-women don't make that sound. PEW! PEW! PEW! Much better.

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn't a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians. At any rate, let's start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe's not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it's anyone's guess really.

Salma Hayek and French billionaire guy Francois-Henri Pinault have called off their engagement, according to a statement issued to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment," Hayek's rep said in a statement.

It should be noted, however, that Salma gave birth to Francois-Henri's child Valentina last September. I believe there's a technical term for this type of situation. What was it again? Oh, right: CHA-CHING!

Salma Hayek and French billionaire guy Francois-Henri Pinault have called off their engagement, according to a statement issued to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment," Hayek's rep said in a statement.

It should be noted, however, that Salma gave birth to Francois-Henri's child Valentina last September. I believe there's a technical term for this type of situation. What was it again? Oh, right: CHA-CHING!

Lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their custody battle. Britney agreed to allowing Kevin full custody of the boys while keeping her visitation intact. More visitation will be granted towards the end of the year, according to TMZ:

The settlement is a huge development because next month's trial is now kaput. We're told Brit, grandpa Jamie and K-Fed all wanted to avoid the expense, emotional wear and tear and media frenzy connected with a full-blown trial.

So, hurray! No more batshit court cases, right? Guess again. That's like saying I'm not made of sexy neutrons. People reports:

"Until the kids turn 18, we can expect in years to come that Britney and Kevin will be back in court," says L.A. family lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. "Britney will have a better chance of winning more custody once she regains her health. This is just the end of Round One."

Round One? Round ONE!? Jesus, this feels like Round One Million. I could lead a long, productive life never hearing about another Britney Spears court case again. Okay, that's not true. I'll lead a short, drunk existence that will ultimately end with someone yelling "Hey, you're not the pilot!" But you guys get the point.

Attention Superficial readers: Audrina Patridge has breasts. No need to thank me. Just doing my job. Oh, wow, the key to the city? If you insist...

Attention Superficial readers: Audrina Patridge has breasts. No need to thank me. Just doing my job. Oh, wow, the key to the city? If you insist.

Michael Lohan has a while to go before he finds out if he really did father a love child. The paternity test has been delayed and awaits a court order to proceed. Michael has admitted to having an affair with Kristi Kaufman who is the mother of the supposed missing Lohan, Ashley Kaufman. Michael had written the girl letters while in prison and basically said, "Shit. She's mine." However, he seems to be changing his tune, according to E! News:

He adds that their relationship was brief and that Kaufman moved in with a new boyfriend shortly thereafter. It's that man, Michael alleges, who is the likely father.
"The timing is just off," Lohan said. "If she's mine, I'll take responsibility. But I wasn't with her nine months before Ashley was born."
Lohan said he's disappointed the test results will take longer than he initially thought.
"But I'll do whatever it takes to find out," he says. "Everyone will know the truth soon."

Michael's probably sweating things now because he's staring down the barrel of an assload of child support and can't get his hands on that Lindsay money. That said, typically, most guys start praying to the God of Doin' It* they didn't get a woman pregnant right after intercourse, but 13 years later is better than never, I suppose. Though one time I said "I hope I didn't get you pregnant" to a chick before we even had sex - and then we didn't, so Mission: Accomplished. I win! *Lorenzo Lamas.

Apparently, there's much speculation over the state of Jennifer Garner's uterus. I, on the other hand, forgot she even existed. However, I can now report a Ben Affleck sperm has indeed collided with her egg. Jennifer's Alias co-star Victor Garber confirmed the news to Us Magazine proving his ability to keep a secret is pretty fucking weak:

"Yes, she is," Garber - who officiated the couple's 2005 wedding - told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."

Now Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will have something to do while they're not acting. Christ, when's the last time one of them was in a movie? Hold on, I just remembered Daredevil. Searing pain.... Want to die.... And, phew! Made it. Yeah, in hindsight, this is AWESOME news. They should shoot for a third one right away. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Adopt! Just scoop some kids up from a day care and go all Brad and Angelina. I hear it's a blast. Ha ha! Please don't act again.

Apparently, there's much speculation over the state of Jennifer Garner's uterus. I, on the other hand, forgot she even existed. However, I can now report a Ben Affleck sperm has indeed collided with her egg. Jennifer's Alias co-star Victor Garber confirmed the news to Us Magazine proving his ability to keep a secret is pretty fucking weak:

"Yes, she is," Garber - who officiated the couple's 2005 wedding - told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."

Now Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will have something to do while they're not acting. Christ, when's the last time one of them was in a movie? Hold on, I just remembered Daredevil. Searing pain.... Want to die.... And, phew! Made it. Yeah, in hindsight, this is AWESOME news. They should shoot for a third one right away. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Adopt! Just scoop some kids up from a day care and go all Brad and Angelina. I hear it's a blast. Ha ha! Please don't act again.

Here's something you don't see everyday: Claire Danes wearing a bikini. She's vacationing in Italy with boyfriend Hugh Dancy, and it looks like she's having a relaxing time tanning, taking pictures and reading a book spread eagle which would be hot if I didn't just spend the past hour looking for her breasts with a magnifying glass. Are they under the beach chair? I don't get it.

Ah, yes, I love these special days when Katie "Jordan" Price dresses up to launch another one of her literary endeavors. Why, you ask? Because I know I'm in for a bag full of retardation. This time around, instead of a homoerotic children's book or a new installment in her 20,000 volume autobiography, Katie wrote "an explosive and highly-charged tale of love, lies and celebrity," according to the book's Amazon UK page. How does Katie Price manage to write a new book every 2-3 months? It seems like she spends most of her time trying to design costumes for the sole purpose of making my penis cry. On that note, keep fixing the tiara, Katie. Because that's exactly what's going wrong here.

Jessica Alba and her month-old daughter Honor Marie Warren currently grace the cover of the latest issue of OK! Magazine. Check out the details of her birthing process which is probably the biggest pile of fake I've ever read in my life. Next to that time I looked at Heidi Montag's face:

"I didn't scream," Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. "It was really Zen." And Cash could only marvel at his wife's quiet strength when she gave birth. "She didn't make a sound," he says. "It was amazing."
The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. "The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."

Can someone explain to me why the hell these gossip mags feel the need to make child birth sound like a fairy tale? "I simply passed a soft gentle pillow out of my vagina - and then a rainbow appeared!" Jesus. First off, any housewife worth her weight in delicious sandwich, knows this is bullshit. Second, I've seen child birth before (through a peephole), and it's not magic princess time. There's mostly a lot of screaming and yelling followed by a stethoscope jammed in my eye when I'm discovered. So, tabloid industry, why don't you write about that for once? NOTE: I'm available for pictures.

Jessica Alba and her month-old daughter Honor Marie Warren currently grace the cover of the latest issue of OK! Magazine. Check out the details of her birthing process which is probably the biggest pile of fake I've ever read in my life. Next to that time I looked at Heidi Montag's face:

"I didn't scream," Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. "It was really Zen." And Cash could only marvel at his wife's quiet strength when she gave birth. "She didn't make a sound," he says. "It was amazing."
The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. "The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."

Can someone explain to me why the hell these gossip mags feel the need to make child birth sound like a fairy tale? "I simply passed a soft gentle pillow out of my vagina - and then a rainbow appeared!" Jesus. First off, any housewife worth her weight in delicious sandwich, knows this is bullshit. Second, I've seen child birth before (through a peephole), and it's not magic princess time. There's mostly a lot of screaming and yelling followed by a stethoscope jammed in my eye when I'm discovered. So, tabloid industry, why don't you write about that for once? NOTE: I'm available for pictures.

I gotta hand it to you guys: You don't hesitate for a second when I violate the Sacred Bikini Code of posting regardless of age, weight or breastlessness. I received no less than 78 gajillion emails asking why I haven't posted these shots of 63-year-old actress Helen Mirren (The Queen) in a bikini. You're a surprisingly more mature bunch than I thought. Time to start skewing my jokes towards an older crowd. Here's a good one: What did the Kaiser say to Howard Hughes? War bonds?! I thought she was a Studebaker! Ha! Tomfoolery at it's best! Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine, folks, and remember; nothing soothes what ails you like a refreshing Lucky Strike. Signing off.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are having a girl. The due date is October 31, and Pete's so stoked he's actually sewing clothes for the kid, according to an insider for Star:

"When Pete heard he might have his baby on Halloween, he went nuts. For an emo-rocker type like Pete, that would be just too perfect!"
The daddy-to-be is so excited about his daughter's arrival, he's even taken up a new hobby — sewing baby clothes!

If I ever had a child, the last thing I'd do is sew it clothes. Unless, of course, you count a burlap sack. Who wants to go to the lake?

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are having a girl. The due date is October 31, and Pete's so stoked he's actually sewing clothes for the kid, according to an insider for Star:

"When Pete heard he might have his baby on Halloween, he went nuts. For an emo-rocker type like Pete, that would be just too perfect!"
The daddy-to-be is so excited about his daughter's arrival, he's even taken up a new hobby — sewing baby clothes!

If I ever had a child, the last thing I'd do is sew it clothes. Unless, of course, you count a burlap sack. Who wants to go to the lake?

The weekend arrest of actors Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright during an incident at a Shreveport, Louisiana bar was captured on cell phone video, and it's not good. The two were drinking at a wrap party for Oliver Stone's W when they were asked to leave along with the film's crew. At some point the owners called the cops which ended in several arrests. However, the details of the arrest have been revealed, and already the D.A. is considering not charging any of the actors. I wonder why? TMZ reports:

Local station KTBS reports and TMZ sources say Wright, who plays Colin Powell, was repeatedly tasered and pepper sprayed as he lay prone on his stomach in the street. We know witnesses heard the officers using extremely foul language, including the "N" word, directed at Wright.
Our sources say Brolin was observed by witnesses attempting to make peace and standing still as he was repeatedly sprayed in the eyes by cops.

Southern cops acting like racist assholes?! Hell's bells, Margaret, I could never imagine such a thing. Some might say this is what happens when you film a liberal movie in a Red state, but, c'mon, like these cops know who Josh Brolin (particularly a bald Josh Brolin) or Jeffrey Wright is. This is a prime example of: "Hey, Cletus, let's try out them thar TASERs. They works on electro tricity! Say, ain't you that guy from the Goonies? I better pepper spray you just to be sure." PFFSSHH. "Shucks! It is you! Do you mind if we lynch your colored friend? Shoots, I ain't supposed to say that no more. I meants Afro-can American friend."

Here's something you don't see everyday: Claire Danes wearing a bikini. She's vacationing in Italy with boyfriend Hugh Dancy, and it looks like she's having a relaxing time tanning, taking pictures and reading a book spread eagle which would be hot if I didn't just spend the past hour looking for her breasts with a magnifying glass. Are they under the beach chair? I don't get it.

Hey, everybody! Sarah Jessica Parker had her mole removed which makes her 1/1,000th less abrasive to look at. Yay!

After dropping out of the Emmy race and announcing she "wasn't given the material to warrant a nomination," Katherine Heigl basically shit in the corn flakes of the Grey's Anatomy writers. And now they're striking back. *Spoiler Alert* HER CHARACTER GETS A BRAIN TUMOR. *End spoiler.* Did I do that right? Us Weekly reports:

“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her,” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

While I admire the writers for exacting their revenge, I'm a little disappointed. A brain tumor? (Oh, shit. SPOILER!) I mean, is that the best they can do? I was hoping for something along the lines of Katherine's character falling in love with Osama bin Laden. Together they try to make things work while balancing their careers. (He's a terrorist; she's a doctor. Wacky!) And, of course, there'd be several subplots where it's revealed her character hates puppies, freedom and the laughter of children. I should really write a pilot.

After dropping out of the Emmy race and announcing she "wasn't given the material to warrant a nomination," Katherine Heigl basically shit in the corn flakes of the Grey's Anatomy writers. And now they're striking back. *Spoiler Alert* HER CHARACTER GETS A BRAIN TUMOR. *End spoiler.* Did I do that right? Us Weekly reports:

“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her,” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

While I admire the writers for exacting their revenge, I'm a little disappointed. A brain tumor? (Oh, shit. SPOILER!) I mean, is that the best they can do? I was hoping for something along the lines of Katherine's character falling in love with Osama bin Laden. Together they try to make things work while balancing their careers. (He's a terrorist; she's a doctor. Wacky!) And, of course, there'd be several subplots where it's revealed her character hates puppies, freedom and the laughter of children. I should really write a pilot.

Bret Michaels and Amber Lake, the "winner" of Rock of Love 2 have broken up. I guess every rose does have it's thorn. And that thorn is made of total manufactured bullshit needed to launch a third season of Bret's reality show. People reports:

Lake, who recently moved to L.A. from her native Chicago to pursue her career, also made it clear that she completely backs Michaels’s decision to take the show on the road for a third installment. This time it’s called Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels and the women vying for his affection will follow the rocker on a month-long tour across the country.
“Third time’s the charm!” says Lake, who plans to watch the new season and is happy to be a sounding board for Michaels. “I can’t stress enough that I support his decision. He’s going to take it on the road, and that’s where he spends the majority of his life. What a great concept.”

Yes, what a great concept indeed - for Bret Michaels. Has anyone ever seen the show? Here's the formula to pretty much every episode. And if someone you know actually thinks this shit is real, you owe it to them to push them out of a moving vehicle: -Bret packs a mansion with strippers, single moms and former Playboy Playmates. At least one of these women will look like she's straight out of a Whitesnake video and/or used to be named Bill. -The gaggle of whores compete in Road Rules-esque challenges that are so asinine Bret doesn't even pretend to watch them while the show's filming and, instead, rides his motorcycle around in circles. -Catfights break out. Usually about who really loves Bret and who's here to be on TV. (Hint: They're mostly Shot of Love with Tila Tequila rejects. Except for the one psycho that's allowed on each season to stir things up. She truly does love Bret and, if the producers cross their fingers hard enough, will stab a stripper to prove it.) -Bret goes on a private date. Gets laid in a limo, haystack, or Ed Hardy dressing room. -Bret eliminates a lady (Typically the one he just nailed.) while shedding a well-timed tear or two when really he can't wait to stop filming so he can bang a hotel room full of groupies from the last county fair he just played. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Jesus walks among us, my friends. And he wears a wig.

Let me a take a stab at what's going on here: Paris Hilton's magical bra, which in defiance of God's Will makes her appear to have cleavage, is running low on unicorn tears. That, or her breasts are made of slowly melting ice cream. The flavor? Ben & Jerry's New "V.D. Cone Home." Look for it in your grocer's freezer. EDIT: Apparently, with the boob droopage in full effect, Paris tried to hook up with recently single soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo only to be shot down, according to the Daily Mail. Benji Madden would be pissed except he realizes he's Benji Madden and is just happy to touch a vagina. Thanks to Tom for the tip on Paris' crash and burn. I love a good heartwarming tale.

Let me a take a stab at what's going on here: Paris Hilton's magical bra, which in defiance of God's Will makes her appear to have cleavage, is running low on unicorn tears. That, or her breasts are made of slowly melting ice cream. The flavor? Ben & Jerry's New "V.D. Cone Home." Look for it in your grocer's freezer. EDIT: Apparently, with the boob droopage in full effect, Paris tried to hook up with recently single soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo only to be shot down, according to the Daily Mail. Benji Madden would be pissed except he realizes he's Benji Madden and is just happy to touch a vagina. Thanks to Tom for the tip on Paris' crash and burn. I love a good heartwarming tale.

Hayden Panettiere (seen here at last night's ESPY awards) dropped her new music video "Wake Up Call" today, and I'll be the first to admit the song is fucking clown shoes. That said, I definitely saw Hayden's panties in the video, so who do I speak to about getting this thing an Oscar? It's hands down the greatest visual experience I've had since that time I watched BBC's Planet Earth on acid - which was this morning. On a related note, I'm a wombat. Video after the jump.